wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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