I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
