Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
