the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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