Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
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Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
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It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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