does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
