well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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