Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
