Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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