you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
