problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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