Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
