Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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