so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
