I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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