Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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