Screwed.edu
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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