Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
