I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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