you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
