I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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