Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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