my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
