Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
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He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
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you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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