well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I think my vagina is haunted
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
