I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
