Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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