If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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