Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
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