a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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