I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
meet me or not, i'm out of control
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
