I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
