the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
