never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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