I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize