Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
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