the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
