I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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