This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
