I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
