My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
