if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
