Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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