Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
