I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
