Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
