You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
