You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
