and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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