dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You can't special order awesome
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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