I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
