Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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