doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
