when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
