we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
