I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
